May 22, 2012

I hate everything right now. Figures, I shouldn’t have made that post last night. What the fuck is happiness? It’s an imaginary concept, foreign in my world. Yes, I have fleeting moments such as the last two weeks that make me believe I’ve finally found it, then days like today come around to remind me that I don’t deserve to be alive, let alone feel such a magical thing as happiness. I feel like I’m about to die. Part of me wishes my mind would go black the way it keeps threatening to do just so I no longer have to feel this pain. I woke up totally fine, “happy” even. Then, suddenly, I was sitting in class and this feeling of extreme dizziness came over me. An unexplainable feeling, unlike anything I’ve felt before, even through all my previous dizzy spells. I panicked and asked the girl sitting next to me to walk me to the nurse where I called my mom and came home. All day, I laid in bed. Just laid, dozing on and off. I was in an unbearable feeling of slowing drifting out of my body. Like my mind and soul were leaving. The way I imagine death feels or an extreme drug-induced high. My body gets all heavy, I can barely move a limb. It is absolutely terrifying, beyond anything words can explain. This has been my experience, on and off all day. 

And don’t get me started about this weekend’s plans. Prom is Friday night. I’ve only been looking forward to it MY ENTIRE LIFE. I cannot feel this way for prom. I just can’t. And then on Saturday morning a group of us are supposed to get up and drive down the shore for the weekend. These plans have been in the works for well over a month, my boyfriend & I, my best friend and her douschbag of a boyfriend, and a few other friends. Through all the confusion of planning, I’ve been under the impression that my best friend and her boyfriend were planning on coming for sure. Not until this week do I find out his parents have yet to give him a response. Not until today do I find out that she isn’t planning on coming without him. Why are people so insanely rude? Why can’t anyone get their shit together and figure out plans ahead of time? I could go on and on about this situation and then on and on in another tangent about this boyfriend of her’s, but frankly, I feel like absolute shit right now and need to just go lay down.

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May 21, 2012

I’ve been experiencing this weird thing lately. I think it’s called happiness? Or at least contentment. I haven’t cried in two weeks; that’s, sadly, a record in the last several months. I’ve had things to look forward to and reasons to smile lately. Nothing has changed significantly, but I’m smiling and not wanting so prominently to die, so that’s exceptional in my opinion. Happiness, please stay for awhile and keep me sane.

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May 17, 2012

May 13, 2012

May 12, 2012

May 11, 2012

May 9, 2012

May 8, 2012

May 7, 2012